We are faced with all sorts of difficult conversations at work.
We usually find conversations difficult when we think the other person will disagree with us or if we need to give constructive feedback to someone.
Here are 2 examples of difficult conversations I get asked about most often:
A. Talking to someone (who you are not managing directly) about something crucial you want to change
B. Giving constructive feedback to your direct report
These 2 types of conversations require different approaches.
A. How To Have a Crucial Conversation With Your Manager Or Colleague
If you have a crucial conversation with anyone who you are not managing directly (for example your manager or a peer), you want to take a collaborative approach.
You can start by simply envisioning both of you working as a team to find a solution to the problem.
Let’s take the example of talking to your manager about your workload.
Here are 5 steps you can take in order to have a collaborative conversation with your boss:
1. Schedule a time to talk
Schedule a time to talk to your boss 1:1 and indicate what you would like to talk about (for example, about your workload.) If you have a regular meeting already set up with your manager, give them a heads up that you would like to talk about your workload in your next meeting.
2. Describe the mutual benefit
When you start the conversation, frame the issue in a way that shows how the conversation will benefit both of you. The goal is to work as a team together to find a solution to the issue.
You could say for example: “If I continue to work like this, I will burn out and quit. I know that doesn’t benefit either one of us, so I would like to find a solution with you.”
3. Listen to understand their point of view
Give them a chance to share their point of view first.
You can say for example: “I would really like to understand what you think about this situation.”
Then focus, be quiet, and let them talk without interrupting.
4. Express your point of view
Once you have heard the other person out, start with what is at the very heart of the matter for you. What is your experience with this issue?
For example: “I have tried my best to get all the projects done on time, but it has required me to work every single weekend for the last month. I am feeling stressed and exhausted. At this rate, I am getting really burned out. I really like this job and I do believe in our mission. However, I also know that I don’t do my best work when I have to juggle so many projects and I will not be able to keep up this pace. For me, it is really about finding a more manageable balance, so I can do my best work.”
5. Brainstorm alternative options
Open up a dialogue. For example: “I would really like to find a solution that works for both of us. What are some options that we can consider?”
B. How To Give Constructive Feedback To Your Direct Report
(Note: If you want to give feedback to someone who you don’t manage directly, like a peer, that’s a different difficult conversation. Refer to the steps above in “How To Have a Crucial Conversation With Your Manager Or Colleague” instead.)
If you need to give constructive feedback to someone who you manage directly, it is best to have a more direct conversation.
If you feel that giving constructive feedback directly is challenging, you are not alone. Yet the main complaint I hear from professionals is that they don’t receive enough feedback from their manager and as a result, they don’t know how to improve.
Having a structured approach to giving feedback can make this process easier:
Step 1: Initiate the conversation in private
Although this seems so simple, this is an important step to set the stage for an effective conversation. This can simply be done with a short question to make sure the other person is in the right state of mind to be open for feedback.
Constructive feedback should be given not too long after the event occurs so the employee can still remember the incident, but you want to make sure that there is enough time for tempers to have cooled.
For example:
Do you have a moment to chat about some feedback I have about the last client meeting?”
Step 2: Deliver with Empathy
Ask yourself “How might this feel for the person who is receiving the feedback?”
You want to be honest and direct, but show care.
Step 3: Use the SBI Model
An effective model you can use to structure your feedback is the SBI Model.
Situation: First acknowledge the specifics of the situation you’re addressing. This will allow you both to easily understand the exact moment being referred to.
For example: “I wanted to talk to you about the presentation yesterday morning to the Leadership Team.”
Behavior: This is often the most tricky part of this conversation. It is important to keep feedback to concrete behaviors you observed — and to keep them very specific. Avoid ambiguity, making judgments or evaluating them as a person. You’re not here to comment on them as an individual – you are simply giving some helpful advice on a set of actions that they took.
Be sure to avoid hearsay. If you didn’t observe it then it probably isn’t right for feedback.
For example: “I noticed that you talked very fast and didn’t stop to ask if there were any questions.”
Impact: Impact is what it’s all about, right? We want to create a space to give the type of feedback that acknowledges the impact of the behaviors during the situation but also sets others up to create more positive and lasting impact going forward! You can use “I” statements here to illustrate the impact that it had on you.
For example: “As a result, as an audience member it was hard to understand some of your key points.”
Step 4: Give actionable feedback
Keep your feedback future-oriented, supportive and specific.
Building on our example:
For example: “Going forward it might be helpful to speak a little more slowly and pause after making your key points. This will ensure your audience members will not miss important information, have opportunities to ask questions, and connect more strongly with you as a presenter. ”
—
It’s normal not to feel comfortable with difficult conversations at first. Practice makes perfect! You can practice these steps with a friend, so you get familiar with the structure. The more you do this, the easier it will get.
Manuela loves helping mid-level professionals create a career and life they love. You can sign up here for her monthly newsletter with helpful tips and course announcements.